How to Help Your Son Avoid a Toxic Male Culture

Helping our sons recognize and avoid the effects of toxic male culture is a challenge because it can be so pervasive, often goes unrecognized, and takes different forms and definitions in various cultures and environments, says Ulrick Vieux, D.O., chief of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and director of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Education and Training at Hackensack University Medical Center.

“No matter how toxic masculinity is defined, at its core are a facade of toughness, stereotypical and anti-feminine beliefs, and uncontrolled or narcissistic power,” Dr. Vieux says. “Fundamentally, toxic masculinity often glorifies aggressiveness, violence, pathological and sometimes sociopathic behavior.”

Dr. Vieux continues: “Most importantly, these attitudes undermine the ability to truly empathize and understand how your actions hurt and impact others. This often leads to challenges developing true friendships, resolving conflict, and building and maintaining relationships that are critical to a full and rewarding life. ”

Model Healthy Behaviors at Home

Helping your son avoid toxic male attitudes and actions starts at home, with parents modeling the behaviors they want to encourage in their child, says Dr. Vieux:

• Partners or spouses should share equally in the household work, and kids should share equally in the chores.
• Avoid assigning chores such as doing laundry or cleaning only to your daughters, and mowing the lawn or taking out the trash to your sons.
  
  

Avoid Steering Your Son Into Male Interests

Dr. Vieux recommends that parents avoid steering or pressuring sons into stereotypical male hobbies, interests or career paths. “As parents, part of our role is to help young men to identify their special gifts or passions and try to support them and foster a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence,” he says.

If your son loves the arts, for example, or wants to pursue a nursing career rather than firefighting, “let him know that despite what he may hear from male friends at school, he isn’t less masculine and that friends who put labels on people or judge them may be unaware that they are fostering toxic male attitudes,” Dr. Vieux says.

Consider Your Son’s Media Habits

In the past, parents used to know who their sons were hanging out with and who their friends were. But today’s technology-enabled world means you also need to be aware of the social and digital influences on your sons beyond your community.

“I believe major contributors and endorsers of toxic masculinity are social media, music and pop culture role models, which are often driven by representations in movies, TV and music that were viewed as necessary for commercial success,” Dr. Vieux says.

Though it is difficult or impossible to stay attuned to online influences young people are accessing today, he suggests parents try to understand:

• What music their sons are listening to
• What movies and TV shows they’re watching
• The personalities and lifestyles of the musicians, actors and social media influencers they follow

Talk to your sons about the behaviors showcased and possibly glorified in the songs they listen to and the movies and TV shows they watch. These may include degrading women and others, brutality, intimidation and violence. Be prepared to share real-life examples to counteract what they’re seeing and hearing, says Dr. Vieux, and challenge their ideas of what it means to “be a real man.”

If a movie your son is watching celebrates men who do cruel things to the people around them to get ahead, point out that their favorite neighbor, a social worker, helps people change and improve their lives and is successful without mistreating people. Also, reinforce that the movies are often fiction and those behaviors would not be accepted or rewarded in the real world. 

“Stress that being a kind and giving person is a sign of strength and character,” says Dr. Vieux. “Focusing on building character basically counterbalances insecurity, and insecurity is the root of a lot of this pathological behavior we’re seeing.”

Fortunately, the tide is turning in many ways, and thoughtful and empathetic male attitudes are being admired in the media, on the job, and in our communities. 

Next Steps & Resources:

• Meet our source: Ulrick Vieux, D.O.
• To make an appointment with a pediatric behavioral specialist near you, call 800-822-8905 or visit our website.
• Learn about child and adolescent psychiatry services at Hackensack Meridian Health.

The material provided through HealthU is intended to be used as general information only and should not replace the advice of your physician. Always consult your physician for individual care.