How to Help Preteen Daughters Deal with “Mean Girls”
January 16, 2024
“Mean girl” behavior is something many girls experience as they’re growing up, says Stacy Doumas, M.D., MBA, interim chair of Psychiatry at Jersey Shore University Medical Center, and chief of the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. While you can’t wave a magic wand and make it all better, you can give your daughters tools for coping.
What Is “Mean Girl” Behavior?
“Mean girl” behavior, also referred to as relational aggression, is bullying, says Dr. Doumas. It can take many forms:
- Physical confrontation and intimidation
- Name calling
- Exclusion
- Gossiping
- Rude comments
- Spreading rumors
Some girls sometimes find themselves participating in it even if they don’t intend to. “We want to teach our girls not to participate in insensitive, demeaning and negative behaviors toward others, and we want to teach them how to recognize and handle when they’re in those situations, whether they’re the target or the bystander,” Dr. Doumas says.
Today, the opportunities for young women to be targets of these behaviors is amplified by the pervasive nature of social media. The cyber-bullying component is especially challenging as the home, typically a safe respite from these behaviors, can feel like a relentless 24/7 attack with no safe place.
How to Teach Your Daughters How to Avoid“Mean Girl” Behavior
Dr. Doumas shares four ways parents can support their children:
- Foster self-esteem. “As parents, our goal and priority should be to raise girls to accept and love themselves,” says Dr. Doumas. “Parents want to make sure their daughters know how valued they are and how special they are exactly the way they are, so when they are in situations where people aren’t being nice to them, they can still feel confident and know that they’re important to many people in this world.
Provide reassurance by praising your children for their presence in the world and for their unique qualities, as well as for their accomplishments.
- Encourage resiliency. “Teach healthy coping strategies, so when they’re in negative situations, they’re resilient and ready to handle them,” Dr. Doumas says.
Coping strategies can include:
- Deep breathing
- Mindfulness techniques
- Disengaging by walking away or leaving a group text chat
- Build empathy. “It’s important for us to teach kids to have empathy for others, even when they’re in a situation where someone might be doing something like being a mean girl,” says Dr. Doumas. While having empathy for the person doing the bullying is difficult to do in the moment, being able to imagine why that person is acting badly will help your child project confidence and stay in control of themselves.
Modeling loving, supportive and empathetic behaviors in the home will not only build character and empathy in our children, it will help young people understand that horrible behavior by others may be a cry for help.
- Set boundaries. Teach your children how to set boundaries with others.
"Standing up for yourself doesn’t necessarily mean physical aggression or hurling verbal insults,” Dr. Doumas says. “Rather, let that person know that you are confident and in control by ignoring the behavior and not giving them the reaction that they are looking for. This may seem difficult at first, but by not engaging with them the mean girls often move on.” Humor, Dr. Doumas says, may also work to derail the mean girl. Provide your child with a safe space to vent and report bullying behavior. Reassure your child that talking with you, a teacher or other trusted adults about bad behavior and concerns is OK.
Whether your child is the one being subjected to “mean girl” behavior, or is a witness to it, the easiest thing they can do is to walk away or disengage if online. “By literally walking away, they are not providing an audience for the person bullying, and if there’s no audience, they really lose a lot of their power,” Dr. Doumas says.
Next Steps & Resources:
- Meet our source: Stacy Doumas, M.D., MBA
- To make an appointment with a pediatric behavioral specialist near you, call 800-822-8905 or visit our website.
- Learn about child and adolescent psychiatry services at Hackensack Meridian Health.
The material provided through HealthU is intended to be used as general information only and should not replace the advice of your physician. Always consult your physician for individual care.
