In the supermarket checkout lane, your whining child is grabbing all the candy. You’re freaking out, thinking everyone nearby is judging you, which makes everything feel worse. 

A child’s public tantrum is stressful, but every caregiver has lived through one. Pausing to assess your feelings and your child’s feelings should help the situation. You’ll have some time to calm down, to decide how to manage things. Here’s what I tell patients and parents:

Common Times When Tantrums Happen

When are you at your worst? It’s when you’re tired or hungry. The same is often true for kids.

Often, children throw tantrums when everyone’s rushing or they need a nap. Any situation that seems different from the norm could also be a factor.

Kids love routines, but they’ll adapt if you tell them in advance what to expect. Changes may cause grumpiness or tantrums, but everyone functions better when they know what’s coming.

We need to model positive behavior, especially when routines change. If we’re not calm and flexible, how can we ask our children to do that?

Tips to Help You Manage a Tantrum

It’s important to recognize that all kids are sometimes taxed and have tantrums. If you know how to deal with tantrums in advance, it’ll feel less stressful.

These ideas may help you formulate your own method to manage tantrums:

• Plan ahead as much as possible. Figure out in advance how you want to react to a tantrum. In the moment, it’s helpful to rely on plans you made when you were calmer.
• Try to calm yourself. Take deep breaths, be in the moment and identify how you’re feeling. If you’re stressed, give those feelings a place, because they’re valid.
• Take a break, if you can. If you need two minutes to take the edge off before reacting, do it. Responding to a tantrum isn’t as urgent as it feels in the moment.
• Model good behavior. How would you want your child to respond if they were frustrated or angry? Model that type of behavior to help your child control their thoughts and feelings.
• Practice with your child. Teach your child deep breathing or a secure hold you’ll do in tense moments. If your child’s tantrum is in public, your calming technique won’t be foreign to them.
• Suggest a positive action. If your child hits someone, what positive thing can they do with their hands? Holding themselves or grabbing a pillow are options that reinforce productive behaviors.
• Use timeouts wisely, if at all. Timeouts should be breaks from stimulating situations, so your child may soothe themselves. Let your child know why they’re getting a timeout and how to calm down. Remember timeouts should be "timeout" from all stimuli. Avoid reinforcing attention seeking behavior.
• Talk about compromises. Once your child is calmer, talk about their feelings and what they really want. Figure out what works best; as the parent, you decide the boundaries.
• Make consequences realistic and relatable. Decide what’s realistic for yourself and your child (an hour without TV, not a month). Make the consequence tied to the “crime,” so they understand why they’re being disciplined.

The more you practice, the easier it gets for your child. They’ll understand that your response is what happens in these situations and you always follow through.

Positive and Productive Coaching

We have a new resource at Hackensack Meridian Health called Positive and Productive Coaching. It’s part of the national No Hit Zone movement, to reduce physical discipline.

Hackensack Meridian Health is the first health network nationwide to initiate No Hit Zone system wide. It’s effective at all of our sites: Adults don’t hit children or adults, and children don’t hit children or adults.

Most parents don’t engage in physical discipline when they’re in good moods. Hitting is a last resort, when you’ve lost control and feel angry or scared.

Research shows the negative impacts that physical discipline has on parents and children. It can affect kids physically, emotionally and behaviorally.

We’ve created groups to provide coaching sessions to caregivers in person and online. Our Positive and Productive Coaching sessions last six weeks.

The coaches help caregivers address feelings related to how they discipline. Coaches also provide techniques to help caregivers manage tantrums without physical discipline.

Next Steps & Resources:

Meet our source: Brett Biller, Psy.D.

To make an appointment with Dr. Biller or a doctor near you, call 800-822-8905 or visit our website. 

The material provided through HealthU is intended to be used as general information only and should not replace the advice of your physician. Always consult your physician for individual care.