Part of a teenager’s growth and maturing is figuring out who they are—that includes their sexual orientation and gender identity. It can be an emotional experience for kids and parents. Lauren Kaczka-Weiss, D.O., child and adolescent psychiatry fellowship program director at Jersey Shore University Medical Center, provides tips for navigating this life stage.

Educate Yourself About Gender Identity Issues

Before you can help your child shift through their feelings about their identity, have an understanding of some of the terms and concepts that will come up when talking to your child about their self-perception. For example:

• Sexual orientation relates to who someone is attracted to. 
• Gender identity is someone’s internal sense of who they are based on an interaction of biology, developmental influences and environmental conditions.

Be aware, too, of concerns your child or teenager may have, such as worry that they will be unable to play their favorite sports or activities, that they will be judged, that they won’t be accepted or that they will be bullied. Be present and listen to your teen, and use resources such as your child’s doctor, teachers and guidance counselors to understand these complex issues and prepare yourself to support your child.

Look for Clues That Your Child Is Exploring Their Identity

Before you launch into a potentially awkward conversation with your teen, take stock of unspoken clues that tell you how your child is exploring their identity, Dr. Kaczka-Weiss says. Such clues can be: 

• Ways of play (avatars they use for online games)
• How they style their hair
• How they choose to dress
• Nicknames they use
• Pop culture icons they admire and may try to imitate

When you notice these outward expressions of identity, use them to start a conversation. You might say: “I see you’ve cut your hair really short. Tell me more about that.” Or if they’re wearing a new outfit, ask them about how they view their style.

Recognize Your Own Expectations of Your Child

According to Dr. Kaczka-weiss: “As parents, we have dreams and expectations of what our children’s lives will be. Those dreams are often formed before they arrive in the delivery room, and are shaped by our upbringing, heroes and modeled behaviors of our youth.” For a parent of a child exploring gender identity issues and concerns, this may be upsetting or disappointing as they may grieve or feel sadness that their dreams for their children may not be fulfilled. 

Respect Your Child’s Choices About Identity

“Using their chosen name and pronouns is really meaningful for a child,” says Dr. Kaczka-Weiss. “Purposefully misgendering them or using their ‘dead’ name is incredibly destructive and hurtful for a child. Be open and listen to your child’s point of view.”

Be Honest With Your Child

If your child identifies with a gender they weren’t born with, and you feel sad about it, that’s OK. Recognize your own grief process, and seek out professional support or peer support groups if needed. 

“Parents aren’t perfect,” Dr. Kaczka-Weiss says. “Tell your child that you are struggling with your feelings. Be open and honest but also reassuring of your love and acceptance.” Use your own struggle to better understand your child’s perspective. You can say to them: “Help me understand how you see things” and “What do you need from me?”

Keep Communications Open and be Generously Understanding

Keep in mind that your child’s gender identity may change over time much in the same way as people physically develop over time. “It’s important for parents to meet your child where they are at,” Dr. Kaczka-Weiss says. “Be non-judgmentally curious and create an accepting environment for your child that fosters a secure attachment and resilience.”

She continued: “I encourage parents to be open and supportive of children sharing gender concerns, and being open to understanding that helping our children find their place in the world, building confidence, self-esteem and character are the greatest gifts we can give them.”

Next Steps & Resources: 

• Meet our source: Lauren Kaczka-Weiss, D.O.
• To make an appointment with a pediatric behavioral specialist near you, call 800-822-8905 or visit our website.
•  Learn about child and adolescent psychiatry services at Hackensack Meridian Health.

The material provided through HealthU is intended to be used as general information only and should not replace the advice of your physician. Always consult your physician for individual care.